Hai i have shifted again so bye onsugar bye all of you you have been smacking great c u @ my new blog if u know where!!

If only i could fade into the darkness, slip away into the unconscious, dissolve into the vast sea, illuminate across the blue sky. If only i had crossed another path, or that my heart hadn't wavered, or that my mind had seen that it was too deep and would backfire, or if only i had walked away. Now all's that left to do is to simply, cease to exist. I am left to stand with the living dead, left to rot into the the brick walls, left out in the snow under the shelter of a single coniferous tree. A tiny beating heart, ceasing to exist.

Because i know you two will be reading this, let me tell you matthias doesn't fucking taking drugs so don't fucking call him a drug addict. He's currently on the phone with me and i've never heard him more upset, which makes me feel terrible cause i can't do shit about it. He tells me that at least luke messages him, offers to share his room with him if he goes home and everything, when in the first place, he does have a room which you two take up now. He even said hi to your girlfriend which i don't know if she's too stuck up or what but she just couldnt reply. What has he ever done to you two? I don't think him leaving the house has cause any detriments to you two. In fact your girlfriend has her own fucking room now that he left. So what else do you two want? Fucking challenging him all to fight. What kind of brother does this? He told me he has never seen this side of luke which cares so much for him. I thought you two were the closer brothers. What the fuck happened? All your fucking brother needs now is support. You think he doesnt miss home and he's having a easy time living outside now and getting money is it? Is support that hard to give, does it hurt you to give?

Went to thriller on saturday, made me realize how much i've missed clubbing haha i mean it has been almost 8 months! Anyway it was good fun until i wasn't high anymore and so i left then to meet bbkinz! (L) It's our 8th month anniversary today!! He's been a bundle of joy, a pain in the ass, and my best friend thruout. Couldn't imagine life without you bb, even tho u're so stupid and always does the dumbest things to piss me off. Doesn't help with my temper haha but i love you! We will last thru the winter :>

Have left this space untouched for quite awhile. Life has been quite mundane, i look forward to practically nothing, and i spend my free time on the com. I'm so comfortable in this little hole that i even get too lazy to walk to the toilet to pee(like right now). Life is good, i'm going to the cheesecake cafe(?) at siglap later, and probably grapevine at night. (Y)

this feels so unreal. how is it possible that i can experience an emotion so intensely that i literally feel my body crumbling? i can feel my heart sinking with every word i say to chase you away. i can feel my fingers and lips trembling whenever you send me a message to chase me back. i can feel the tears like a strong current, trying to wash away the pain and ease the headache and cool my fever. and i can feel the back of my throat burning with every breath i take. i wish i could feel your fingers mending my heart, your lips on my back, your arms around me in an embrace. but this time it's one disappointment too many.

baby, yknow sometimes i wish you'd loved me maybe just this little bit less so that i wouldn't have the ability to hurt you so easily. So that maybe yknow, you wouldn't be the losing party all the time? It doesnt feel good, doesnt feel good being in "control" or whatever bullcrap people give names to this because it hurts me when i simply dont care anymore. Yknow maybe i'm tired? Maybe i just need a good sleep since i've been feeling dizzy since before i started drinking and i still am dizzy naooo. Maybe it's the alcohol dizzy thingy that i'm feeling now, or maybe i'm tired. Probably the alcohol? I don't know. I just know i'm upset i'm hurt my palm has this really painful cut that bled just now and both my knees are bruised and that i love you a lot. I didn't cry or felt the slightest bit afraid when i chased those fucking gatecrashers out of the house just now, not even one bit, but when i lost the locket that had our picture i cried sooooo much. Then when we left i think while quarreling i was certain that i lost the locket, threw it away or something. But now it magically appeared on my table. It couldn't have been you putting it there because my parents hate you now and they wouldn't even let u step in to put a... gold bar here. So it must have been god. I believe in God i'm glad you believe in god. This is not high talk, despite being high. I mean.. i don't know i just do. And i love you. I love you. It hurts too much not to be with you. I love you. Major picture spam later! And i just realized that i can type well despite being high how awesome....

Why can't people get a life and stop stalking other people's blog just to leave hateful comments? It angers me soooo much that people actually don't know me or my dad at all and they can take sides with him, after everything he has done. People closer to me like matt all hates my dad cause they know what a fucking idiot he is, so who are all these nobodies to judge and tell me that i'm the one who is fucked up and my dad is blameless? Am i supposed to put down word by word every action he has ever done or words he says? Because if i did you will be appalled and probably take back all these shameless words you guys are assuming about my family. Srsly, fuck all of you. Fuck off and never come back here again cause you guys just don't know shit. Fuck off. Get a fucking life out of this cyber world.

Edited.

I had a very good day on my 7th month with matt. We spent it with love ones, met up with friends we haven't seen for long, spent some quality time together, spent time with family, took fake acrylic nails from watsons, couldnt wear them cause they're see thru to my black nails so stuck some on le boyfriend & ning. Met le boyfriend @ PP, ate crystal jade's porridge with xo chilli(shiok), and chilled at PP macs, bumped into matt(xiong), chilled some more. Watched fireworks at night with matt & ning. Timely arrival of fireworks cause we just got down the bus haha. Eve totally missed it cause she was in the train reciting the pledge hahahahaha. Ok met eve and some of their friends and chilled till ning had to go back(probation). Left eve and all, bibz and i went to topshop and i got some blings & hair blings. Then fought, and made up. THEN WE WENT FISHING!!!!!!!11!!

We went with his cousin kenta and 2 of kenta's friends. Should have taken a picture of the fishy caught it's fucking huge!! The first 4 hours practically nothing even bit the bait... So uncle who we think is gay gave us a fish someone caught but didnt want anymore, which was huuuuuuuge. That uncle also gave us fucking shiok bait penknife and basket to keep the fish. So nice hor. Kenta also brought his new bby dog fucking cute!! Kenta's half japanese and the dog's the 7th child so his mum named her nana(seven in jap). She is the cutest dog eva. She slept on me for many many hours and when she wanted to pee she started whining all and we didnt know wtf she was doing but she was sooooo qt!! Kenta act smart he went to carry nana from me cooing "why nana" and put her on his lap which she peed on quite immediately hahahahaha then at 6.40am it started pouring ok so fishing was done. Caught one fish was given one fish went back to kenta's house for awhile before i went to my sis' to sleep. Cannot take it so tired. I am so stoked all of a sudden i like fishing a lot although i hardly touched the rod yesterday and neither did the touch the sotong bait at all except using the scissors and knife to dissect it which was fun. I want to fish again, i want to c nana tmr she so cute i think she likes me. I wish i could bring a dog home but my dad hates them he loves kittykats and he told me once that if i brought a dog home, he will kill it and cook curry. Fker

Qn: My webcam is working like when i skype or try to take a photo str8 to FB but other than that i cannot find the file on my com!! Srs shit it's damn annoying i miss my webcam....